The Origin of Bruce McClane (World’s Greatest Detective Ever)

Many years ago, the US government partnered with the Illuminati with hopes of creating a secret army that would operate under complete secrecy to perform whatever task they wanted. The US needed their funding to be secret and the Illuminati needed the military resources and manpower. Their shakey alliance was unsettling on both sides. Their motives and objectives were unclear, but they agreed to go halfsies on the world’s most expensive experiment and remain out of each other’s business. They initiated a program called Project: Universal Warrior. It’s sole purpose was to develop the ultimate strategical, super handsome, mega-awesome human with a superior intellect. They interviewed the world’s greatest heroes and stole their DNA. After years of research, many trials, and many errors, they finally were able to genetically engineer the perfect specimen. They labeled him… Bruce McClane. There were dozens of these genetically enhanced humans housed in a secret facility, deep underground, in Arizona. After all the other creations failed to compare to Bruce McClane, the Illuminati decided to dispose of them. Many of the creations escaped before the government could destroy them to eliminate all the evidence. Some were still good people and some were really bad people.

From conception, Bruce was training. Mastering 3 languages, Jiu Jitsu, meditation, and swimming before leaving the womb. Crowds gathered to hear Bruce read them bedtime stories and watch him wrestle his twin during the ultrasound sessions. There was only room for 1 to continue growing… they listened to Bruce tell his twin, “This womb ain’t big enough for the both of us.” Bruce cut his twin’s cord and pushed him out early. It is still unknown who birthed Bruce. After he was born, his mother vanished. Bruce’s loneliness was ignored so that he could focus on his training.

As Bruce McClane got older, he realized he didn’t want to be a government tool. He wanted to travel the world, meet a beautiful woman, settle down, and practice being a badass in every way. So Bruce immediately focused on potty training so he could conquer these goals without being hindered by his diaper.

As Bruce grew up, he had many adversities – unlike some sissy heroes. Since he didn’t have any resources, Bruce took what he needed. He managed to get a reputation on the streets as a guy who could get things done… but when he turned 5, he was caught, and put into foster care. Since Bruce was so incredibly good looking, smart, and charming, he was adopted immediately. His adopted parents were amazing people who taught him morals and ethics. He started to understand what love was and cherished his parents. When Bruce was 7, his parents were killed outside the opera house in the alley. And although Bruce tracked down their killer and exacted his own Justice, it didn’t fill the void in his enormous, hard, cold heart. He grew up poor and homeless and decided to learn as many skills as he could. Bruce McClane’s skill sets include at least 10,000 hours practicing each of these disciplines; strategy, ninjery, construction, barista, gymnast, farmer, escape artist, artist, mime, photographer, comedian, firearms master, swimming, engineering, medical, chemistry, physics, botany, exorcism, telepathy, master of psychology, body building, sewing/knitting, master assassin, and ventriloquism. He also owns many, many businesses.

After seeking new forms of entertainment, Bruce fell in love with shark wrestling. One day, a shark was unwilling to accept defeat, and he sucker punched Bruce which started a shark frenzy. Outnumbered, Bruce had to retreat back to land. After a long battle on the streets of LA, Bruce pulled out his guns and shot the gang banging sharks, ending the battle once and for all. After the prolonged holding of his breath and all the ferocious growling, Bruce’s voice-box was permanently affected – which made his voice terrifying to his enemies, but alluring to women. His whereabouts have remained secret, as to protect him from the hordes of women trying to get familiar… Also to prevent his enemies from doing terrible things to him.

Bruce McClane’s love life has been intense and cyclical. He eventually found a woman who could tame his fierce heart. They fell in love and he decided to settle down and cruise the world with her. She was coerced by his enemies, however, and she ended up drowning in an elevator after Bruce destroyed a very important, priceless, historical building.

After suffering his loss, Bruce gave up all of his material things to become a man for the people. There was no better way to serve and protect the people, than to become a detective. Bruce traveled the world helping folks solve crimes. In the process, he learned many cultures and met many other heroes and villains. After making alliances and enemies all over the universe, he decided to settle down in a small, quiet town called San Diego in the state of California.

For the last 30 years, Bruce McClane has mastered his detecting abilities to become the WORLD’S GREATEST detective which is an impressive feat for a 28 year old man. Due to modern technology, we have the opportunity to watch and enjoy the adventures of McClane with his lackadaisical sidekick, Jack Magnum. Not much is known about Bruce’s sidekick because Bruce never cared. The town had tried to get rid of Magnum at the same time that Bruce needed a servant. Magnum asked Bruce to be his master in hopes that he could pick up on some of his skills… Magnum has been following McClane ever since.

After learning the Great, Bruce McClane was in San Diego, the community asked him to become a detective and clean their troubled streets. Being extremely qualified for the position, Bruce was immediately hired. And this is where we pick up on Bruce McClane’s legendary story.

List of Villains:
Dr. Dray Seusenpepper – An evil self proclaimed genius. He has a knack for saying and doing stupid things, but he always seems to get away with it. He is either a brilliant mastermind, or a lucky idiot. It’s very hard to tell, especially because he is demented and finds entertainment in having a good battle with Magnum and McClane. It’s his purpose and his obsession.

One of McClane’s greatest adversaries, were the fake feminists, aka, Femis. They hated that Bruce McClane was rugged and handsome and fit what they perceived to be a stereotypical male. They were perpetually offended and triggered and they became enraged if anyone, especially Bruce McClane, called them out for double standards.

The Screepz
Not much is known about the Screepz at this point in time. The Screepz are randomly targeted victims of a neurotoxin, which affects their frontal lobe. The toxin blocks their sense of reason and makes them extremely volatile. They are filled with extreme rage and left with intermittent bouts of adrenaline surges. Their inability to reason, lack of empathy and language, and abnormal strength makes them extremely dangerous. Their attacks and movements are vicious and random. They must be restrained, killed, or rendered unconscious or they will not stop.
Whoever is creating the Screepz must have access to dangerous unknown chemicals and a deranged mind. Screepz seem to follow Magnum and McClane.